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If Baseball Were Like Conservative Politics …

Michael Grady | Jan 7, 2013, 6 a.m.

[Pitcher on the mound, middle of a game.]

Catcher (Off): Time!

[Pitcher paces, Catcher appears.]

Catcher: He’s looking fastball. I say, throw him a curve.

Pitcher: I’m outraged.

Catcher: What?

Pitcher: I’m outraged! How can you even say that?

Catcher: What’d I say?

Pitcher: How can you even—?!

Catcher: I just said you should throw a curve!

Picture: Hey! I believe in God, ya know!

Catcher: [Catcher, confused, glances around.] …‘K.

Pitcher: I believe in Our Blessed Creator and live by a set of principles to honor Him! And I will not compromise my principles! And for you to suggest something so … repugnant as …

[Pitcher sighs heavily. Catcher pauses.]

Catcher: … a curveball?

Pitcher: There you go again!

Catcher: Wow! You got one hard-ass religion there.

Pitcher: I have a right to my beliefs, Hector!

Catcher: OK! Calm down! We got a job to do here, let’s see if we can end the inning without sending you to Hell. (Points to the batter:) This guy’s been on your fastball all day, right? So, now: he’s up again. And I say: why not throw him a different kind of pitch…?

Pitcher: (Shaking his head) Don’t say it…

Catcher:—some kind of non-fastball…

Pitcher: … don’t you dare say it…

Catcher: … perhaps a ball with a … curving motion on it? (Pause)

Pitcher: I’m outraged.

Catcher: Well, hell. [Pitching coach appears.]

Coach: OK, who’s injured?

Catcher: No one, Coach.

Coach: You’re out here this long? Someone better be injured.

Catcher: Dan here is trying to pitch according to his religious beliefs.

Coach: Well, that’s lovely. (Spits) Throw him a devout curveball and let’s get out of this inning—

Pitcher: God wants me to throw my fastball here.

[Pause]

Coach: Does He have money on the other team?

Pitcher: That’s blasphemy.

Coach: No, blowing late-game leads is blasphemy. I believe in God, too. A God that sees everything—including the first five innings, when this batter hit your fastball like it was an ugly piñata. God doesn’t want you to throw another one, kid, because it will wind up in His Holy yard.

Pitcher: Coach, I believe I can get this guy out with my fastball.

Coach: You’re part of a team here, kid. You’ve got a job to do.

Pitcher: I have a right to my beliefs. And no matter what you say, I believe God wants me to throw a fastball. [Pause]

Coach: (To Catcher:) You know what I miss? Groin injuries. Simple problems. You’d say “throw harder,” “put some ice on it.” And that was it.

Pitcher: I believe I was ordained to throw the fastball.

Coach: Kid, can’t we come to some sort of understanding here?

Pitcher: My fastball is the essence of who I am. It is the fullest expression of my God-given talents. My religion tells me to stay true to that essence—never bend to compromise—for it is the language of the Devil.

[Pause.]

Catcher: You should be a Lutheran, man! They just tell you: Act nice to people and don’t watch porn on the road.

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