If Baseball Were Like Conservative Politics …

Michael Grady | Jan 7, 2013, 6 a.m.

[Umpire appears.]

Umpire: What the hell?

Coach: We’re almost done.

Umpire: You’re done now! Off ya go!

Coach: I got an issue here!

Umpire: Just one? (Pointing:) I got a mascot so bored he’s balancing his checkbook! I got a batter, who’s “adjusted” every single part of his lower anatomy! But most important, I got a world full of people looking at us! And they deserve something more than three guys scratching themselves on little hill! Now, let’s go! (Exits)

Coach: (To Pitcher:) Kid, I’m just a humble pitching coach. But this is America. Who am I to say where your rights come to a stop? (To Catcher:) Let’s trust him.

Catcher: (Nods. Tosses the ball to the Pitcher. Moved:) Fastball.

(Coach and Catcher exit. Pitcher looks in. Sets. Throws. Crack of the bat. Pitcher looks over his shoulder at a fly ball that keeps going, going… Cheers. Catcher joins him on the mound. Still watching. Sound of fireworks. Coach joins them. All three watch the scene.)

Coach: …well, that was a bad idea.

Pitcher: I know what I did wrong, Coach.

Catcher: (Watching:) I’ve never seen a scoreboard explode that much…

Pitcher: I threw an inside fastball. Which he was waiting on.

Coach: You think?

Catcher: (Still watching:) You know, the fireworks are pretty. But the dancing water fountain? That’s a little much.

Pitching: I’m going to throw this next batter an outside fastball. Catching him totally off-guard.

Coach: Kid, I figured out where your rights stop.

Pitcher: Where?

Coach: At the point where they become a pain in my ass. (Turns toward the bullpen. Pats his left arm.) So I’m sending you down for a Dominican agnostic with a curveball that drops like a congressman’s approval rating.

Pitcher: I’m outraged.

Coach: I can with live with that.

Michael Grady is Valley-based freelance writer, reporter and playwright.

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