By Marisa Peer
Q Dear Marisa:
After five years being single, I am in such a good place and recently decided to start dating again as while I am perfectly happy on my own, I would love someone to share my time with.
At first I was worried it would be a bit of a minefield at my age (I’m 56), but I have met the most wonderful man who makes me feel alive and like I’m 25 again! We have so much in common and have been on several dates now. While we are taking things slowly, I can really see myself with him long term and we have agreed that we are now exclusive.
I couldn’t be happier, but now that we have agreed we are committed to only dating each other, I have started to get panicked about progressing our relationship to the next level — because while we have kissed and cuddled, we haven’t been intimate yet.
We are really open with each other — which is so refreshing — and have discussed this. He has reassured me that there’s no rush and he is happy to just go with the flow when I’m ready, but I feel so stressed out, because while I want to be physical with him, I am so self-conscious about my body and terrified of getting naked in front of him.
I’m not overweight, but just very conscious of how my body looks, particularly as I haven’t been with someone sexually for so long.
My new partner tells me all the time that I am beautiful and he finds me sexy, but when I look in the mirror all I see is an average looking middle-aged woman looking back. It’s crazy because I would describe myself as a confident woman, but when it comes to seeing myself as a sexual being again, I am struggling to get my mojo back!
Please help, Marisa!
Missy Shy
Mesa
A Dear Missy Shy,
I am delighted to hear that your dating experience has been a good one! Clearly, you took the time to work on yourself and are in a great place to begin a new relationship now.
After five years of being single, of course, it’s going to be an adjustment being with someone again, and you are likely to be apprehensive at first — but your new partner is being supportive and isn’t pressuring you, which is great to hear.
It’s also a good sign that you already seem to have clear lines of communication with one another — which is so important when building a healthy, happy relationship. If you feel comfortable and haven’t already, why not tell your partner about how you are anxious about moving to a physical relationship.
You say that he tells you that he finds you desirable but that you don’t have that belief in yourself, so here’s what we need to work on!
When you’re next looking in the mirror, take a moment to notice your thoughts — what is that little voice inside your head saying to you? For example, if you are looking in the mirror and it’s saying you are old and ugly — ask yourself, is that fact or fiction? (It’s always the latter.) But it’s these stories we tell ourselves each day that hugely impact our lives, beliefs and confidence.
However, when we stop to observe our thoughts, we find that most of the time, these are actually untruths — a habitual story we tell ourselves — but when we challenge it, we can start to develop better patterns of thought and habit. I write about this in my latest book, “Tell Yourself a Better Lie.”
So instead of honing in on what you perceive as unattractive, take some time and focus on parts of your body and features you like most. Silence that inner critic and call on your inner cheerleader — who tells you that you are beautiful, shouts about how strong and amazing you are, and how that has reflected out into the universe and drawn a wonderful new partner to you. Then, over time, watch how your viewpoint and feelings change. When we care for someone, they are beautiful to us, and your man is not looking for a perfect body; he is looking for a warm lovely authentic woman and that’s who you are. I work with many women with perfect bodies whose relationships don’t work out as that is not what we want.
It is very important to work on body confidence. If you are still struggling with it, I recommend checking out my I Am Enough program. It can help you understand the root cause of this issue and rewire your thinking to leave you with an unshakable certainty and conviction that you are enough and will always be enough.
Finally, take your time, talk about your concerns and relax! Why not plan a weekend away together, buy some new clothes and lingerie which make you feel good? Make it special, ease the pressure, let it flow, and most of all, enjoy it!
You’ve got this, beautiful lady!
Lots of love,
Marisa x
Send your questions to media@marisapeer.com, and keep up with her online at marisapeer.com, Twitter, Facebook and Instagram.
“Tell Yourself a Better Lie: Use the Power of Rapid Transformational Therapy to Edit Your Story and Rewrite Your Life” is available on Amazon.
For more information about I Am Enough, visit shop.marisapeer.com
